Knuckle up with Shirtless Bear-Fighter! #5
Review written by Bill Coffin
Shirtless Bear-Fighter! is the only piece of graphic literature that can help Western audiences make any goddamned sense of anything these days. And that is a fact confirmed by science and made possible by magic.
The story involves Shirtless, a guy who is like 100 Jesse Venturas all spliced together into the kind of monstrosity fit for one of two occupations: fighting bears and ruling Canada. And if you think that’s the same thing, then congrat-u-freaking-lations.
Then there’s Brother Bear, who is about as mean as thirteen Patriots fans all bitching about the same blown call, except imagine if they weigh 2,000 lbs, have claws that can shred imported cars and eat enough protein every day to cause a cow shortage in Texas.
You make a comic book with two hardasses like this in it, what, like they’re NOT gonna fight? What planet were you born on?
But look, this ain’t no regular-type fight, okay? There are fights where one guy wakes up on his back wondering where the last five minutes of his life went. This ain’t that. And there are fights where people walk around afterwards with big, fist-shaped holes blown through them that you can totally see through. This ain’t that, neither. This is a REAL fight, with enough blood to re-paint my swimming pool, enough guts to gag a haggis factory, and enough testosterone to make readers wrinkle their face and declare WHAT IS THAT SMELL.
Now, you may be wondering, have I even read this issue? Are you kidding me? Can a fish play canasta? Do I look like I got wind-up teeth for a brain? Naw, man! Just look at this thing! JUST LOOK AT IT. There’s this huge guy fist-fighting a goddamned bear on it and he’s all COME AT ME BEAR and the bear is all COME AT ME BRO and you’re like WHEN BROBEARS FIGHT EVERYBODY WINS and that is the God’s honest truth, and you damned well know it.
So buy a copy already. You know I ain’t wrong. You’re welcome.
MINI-SERIES FINALE This is it! The heart-stopping conclusion to the greatest comic saga of our time. It’s Shirtless vs. Brother Bear in a bear-chested, bear-knuckled fight to the death! Being the angriest man alive has gotten Shirtless far, but can it take him all the way?