Wizard illustration copyright Denis McCarthy. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Poultrycanon’s Tiny Panic Room: A Safe Place to Hide

A word about Poultrycanon:

The wizard that historians now know as Poultrycanon was born Hoban Temothey in the little town of Mudhugh-on-the-River (a mere twenty nautical miles from scenic Waterdeep) and spent his formative years first as a cheesmaker’s apprentice, then a glass blower’s apprentice and finally a potter’s apprentice. He enjoyed this idyllic if uninspiring life until the day his master failed to make payments to the infamous halfling loan shark Deegle the Nose Grinder. Young Hoban, watching from around the corner as Deegle’s thugs ransacked his master’s home and performed the aforementioned nose-grinding as he was returning from the baker. Hoban decided that discretion was the better part of valor and took to the seas as a deckhand on the sloop, Sea Queen’s Glory. He was unfortunately only at sea for three weeks when the vessel was attacked and scuttled by pirates. Hoban, being the only survivor, clung to a piece of wreckage and found himself swept along behind a mysterious traveling island chain. Hoban spent the next few years eking out a meager living off these islands while slowly going mad. It was during this madness when his latent talent for wizardry awakened and Hoban found himself the undisputed ruler of a lot of crayfish. Lacking any sort of formal education in wizardry he claims to have learned from the disembodied spirit of a long-dead evil wizard named Malecidius. In lieu of traditional materials Hoban’s “spell book” is a series of crudely etched fishing floats, bottles filled with makeshift material components and a complex (and largely indecipherable) “language” made of knots in salvaged fishing nets.

He was eventually rescued, returned to civilization and rehabilitated after a fashion. His unique style, utter capriciousness and adorable sociopathy won him a place of minor celebrity in jaded Waterdeep. He adopted the wizarding name of Poultrycanon after a unique combination of highly unlikely events (and a misplaced catapult) resulted is a surprising victory against pirates.

By the time of his death, his makeshift, ever changing “spell book” weighed almost two-hundred and fifty pounds and is still being studied by mages at the great colleges of Waterdeep for the few nuggets of brilliance among the madness, foolishness and downright dangerous nature of the nets.

Below is one of the spells he is best known for, Poultrycanon’s Tiny Panic Room, a useful spell for when the world became much too confusing for Hoban’s fragile psyche. It is based on fevered and rum-inspired meddling with a similar spell from a much more famous (and capable) wizard that Hoban could not name because of a restraining geas and the threat of action by sinister, black-robed barristers.


Poultrycanon’s Tiny Panic Room
3rd Level Evocation (ritual)

Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: Self (and anyone unfortunate enough to be within arm’s reach)
Components: V, S (wild, panicked gesticulations while running in tight circles), M (nearby debris sufficient to create the ramshackle hideaway)
Duration: Up to 6 hours or until dispelled by caster (intentionally or not)

This spell creates a tiny, impenetrable, closet-sized space out of whatever materials, debris, loose stones, wreckage, and detritus is in the area. The Panic Room is roughly four hexes in size when complete and exactly the same size on the inside as the outside. Four Medium sized beings (and far more Tiny chicken-sized creatures) can uncomfortably cram inside assuming they don’t mind being cozily intimate with each other. Like the (far more effective and stable) spell it is based on this space is effectively immune to intrusion (magical or otherwise) from the outside for the duration and can not be moved. Those inside who attempt to gaze outside the tiny window see a scene of tropical paradise rather than whatever is actually outside the Panic Room. Inside, there is a cot, a small table, two chairs, lots of candles and a pleasant odor of fish chowder, hot buttered rum and the ocean. Pleasant tropical birdsong fills the interior.

The spell lasts the duration or ends whenever the caster chooses to dispel it. It can also be dispelled by a particularly loud belch, fart or sneeze. Dispelling the Panic Room causes the structure to implode, causing 1d8 thunder damage to anyone within 10 feet of the outside of Panic Room when it does so. The occupants of the Panic Room are subsequently teleported 30 feet away from the location of the Panic Room in a random direction.

Variant: Halstom’s Wee Rendezvous is a modification of the Tiny Panic Room replacing the usual furnishings with a cot, candles, furry chains and manacles, and a magic mouth that croons the famous ballads of the bard Bartholomew the White. At the climax of any shenanigans inside the Wee Rendezvous the room the spell effect ends as per the Tiny Panic Room above.

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  1. Avatar
    Timothy Connolly

    Great spell and great variant, Mike. Thank you for posting this here. Would love to see more of this sort of thing at the Multiverse site. Being the 1st edition AD&D DM that I am on Long Island, it dawned on me that I ought to add this spell (and variant) to our GDQ1-7 sessions immediately. The adventurers are at the midway point betwixt G2 and G3, and I’ll have Okarr the Magnificent gift these spells to the PCs, if they visit him at his wizard tower in Benchleydale (prior to visiting the Firelands and giving King Snurre Ironbelly what for.)

    1. Avatar Author
      Michael Smith

      Thanks, Tim. I can’t resist the urge to tinker with the rules and make up new stuff. Let me know how it works out.

      1. Avatar
        Denis McCarthy

        You can check out my works in progress at instagram.com/gwythaint.ny and my gaming/art blog at gwythaintny.wordpress.com

    1. Avatar Author
      Michael Smith

      You’re work is brilliant, sir. It was exactly what I was looking for.

  2. Avatar
    Teresa Newton

    Heh. “At the climax of any shenanigans…..” Heh.

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